Do I really know what love is?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”

– I CORINTHIANS 13:4-7 NIV

Going with the flow
Ok, I don’t want to mushy just because it’s Valentine’s Day but since love is all around --My accounting professor told us about his love life instead of teaching us the usual debit/credit -- I would just like to go with the flow and write something about it.

It’s really funny how the world changes in a short span of time. Just two years ago, I wrote something about the feeling of loneliness. It’s rather weird how I evolved and grew up to be a strong and perhaps cold woman. I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden I became different, it’s like I don’t feel anything anymore.

It’s all about controlling
I can say that I’m the kind of person who uses her mind and not her heart. But all of a sudden, it feels like my ability to feel romantic love (or infatuation) has faded away. Like I said in my earlier posts, I was never bitter. I’m the levelheaded one and I always thought I could control everything that’s going to happen in my life. But when I tried to take matters in my own hands, my life became worse! I constantly felt tired, like I’m just doing so many things at such a little time. Sure, I enjoyed the sweet side of it but when it drifted away so soon it felt like I was given a chance to breathe free, it’s like a great burden has left me.

That’s when I found out how horrible romance is. It sucks and I can’t handle it. I don’t have the passion to make it work. And just when I thought that I’ve been in love for so many times, I’ve realized that NO - I’VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. It’s a shame but yes – I just realized now that I don’t really know what love is. And perhaps I’m not capable of it.

I thought I’ve fallen in and out of love but then again… Maybe I didn’t love at all. And maybe that’s why I was never bitter.

I’ve realized that I was just in love with love and not exactly with the person. I liked the feeling of romance, sweetness and companionship – but is that really love? Is the combination of that three things count? Like I said, I was in love in LOVE and not at the person per se. That’s why I easily replaced those who left because anyway there would also be someone who can accompany me, pick me up from school or say the sweetest thing on my ear.

Playing safe
The whole world is like a stage whose players risk in the game called love. All of them risk their deadliest bets – their feelings. All of them do that except for me.
I’m the spectator who watches and observes, the one they turn to when they need encouragement and advises. I’m the one who doesn’t risk at all. I’m the one who plays safe in the game of love.

Not yet time
Like I said, things got worse when I tried to take things in my own hands. I felt that I was in control. But then again, fate has decided that I rushed and fooled myself into believing that love would work for me. But maybe fate says that it’s just not yet time for me to find love.

Looking into the future
My professors and classmates could not believe it when they found out that I’m single. They all give me a “you’re–lying-look” and smile as if I’m kidding. One of them who can read palms even said that my lines dictate that I control my feelings. There you go again… the controlling matter. He even said that sooner, when my emotional line will move, it will mean that I will be a person whose heart is like a stone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the materialistic type. In fact I dream of a life that’s simple yet meaningful. Someday, I don’t want my life to revolve around money, power or fame. But since I was younger, I never saw myself being committed to someone in the future. I still believe that I was born for something greater, greater than love and I believe that I was reserved for a destiny that’s higher than anyone could reach.